ESSAY: Break Out the Silverware
When a loved one dies, it can sometimes be hard to organize a funeral that can entirely encapsulate their spirit. For many people who seek to live their lives “out of the mainstream,” a simple, traditional funeral - involving the embalming process, a shiny casket, and a short procession leading up to a fresh grave - seems like a slap in the face. These people search for a fitting end to their bodies, looking far and wide across the array of possibilities only to come up with barely halfway decent solutions. After all, as revolutionary as certain green techniques, such as the mushroom suit, are turning out to be, they are too radical and too new to be used as practical and reliable methods of disposal. What these death-hipsters have forgotten is that there is a timeless death practice that would be far more suited for them. In almost all ways, cannibalism is the best alternative to the traditional funeral.
Many ecologically minded progressives may rejoice in hearing that cannibalism, in its very essence, is green. It is entirely eco-friendly, in that the nutrients and energy from one human organism are transferred to another human organism simply by consumption of bodily matter. The practice of cannibalism is actually more efficient - at least, to the average human - than the natural “circle of life,” since it communicates this energy to another similar organism directly instead of submitting the receptor organism to a long wait as the energy progresses through a slow trek around the circle of energy transformation. Cannibalism is also better for the environment, as a whole, than the traditional funeral because it does not emit any poisonous, unnatural embalming chemicals into the soil or atmosphere. It also does not pollute the Earth’s atmosphere with natural gas emissions from crematoriums. In fact, the only thing left after cannibalism occurs is the inedible organic matter, like bones and cartilage - and these, at least, are still natural and decompose easily in the environment. Also, finite resources like land and wood can be conserved, since cutting out the actual burial part of the funeral erases the need for a grave and casket. By reducing the need for reserved grave plots, the growing rate by which cemeteries are being built can be curtailed and the land originally marked off for them can start to be used for other public spaces.
Traditional funerals are known for being unreasonably expensive. Opting for a cannibalistic approach to a funeral would cut out many of the costs, including the embalming or cremation fee. Whereas with a traditional funeral the overall price could end up costing over ten thousand dollars, a simple dinner made from a loved one’s remains could cost as little as fifty dollars (or however much it costs to rent a party room at Denny’s). Guests are able to pick and choose their favorite cuts of meat from a freshly deceased relative, which is quite an added boost for any party in general. This is normally not a practical option because ordering an entire animal as the dinner for many people is expensive, time-consuming, and hard to organize. Roasting a large pig, for example, can cost upwards of one hundred and fifty dollars, and requires many guests to consume in order to justify the slaying of the pig. Funerals have the added benefit of having a lot of people already there to pay their respects, so garnering enough feasters for a cannibalistic funeral is not going to ever be a problem.
Cannibalism can also provide a soothing touch to the mourners’ hearts. Traditional funerals are often criticized for being emotionless and commercialized, and for not actually providing any mourners with the closure they need to get over a family member’s recent death. With cannibalism, it is possible to, quite literally, eat one’s sorrows. Many people find comfort in eating, and even more people find comfort in being near the ones that they love. Cannibalism combines these two comforts into one hearty meal. Of course, cannibalism can never be expected to surpass the traditional funeral in popularity. There will always be the outspoken opponents who claim that cannibalism should not be practiced because the human body is indigestible to other humans, and that human flesh can cause terrible sicknesses in the consumer. While true, this claim actually supports cannibalism even more. A throbbing stomach ache, a worrisome gastrointestinal infection, or even a deadly brain disease can help keep the memory of the deceased alive in those that attended and shared in the experience of the funeral.
While the traditional funeral has many respectable qualities, cannibalism should always be regarded as the best alternative to it. No other death practice can ever outdo cannibalism in the wonders it does for one’s planet, bank account, and mental health. Cannibalism is much more eco-friendly, is much more cost effective, and does much more to help reduce the emotional toll that a death might inflict upon a surviving friend or family member. Hopefully, sometime in the future, it will become commonplace to express one’s grief by holding light conversations with some fellow mourners, all the while enjoying some delicious ribs painted with the deceased’s favorite barbecue sauce and carved from the deceased’s own chest.
Many ecologically minded progressives may rejoice in hearing that cannibalism, in its very essence, is green. It is entirely eco-friendly, in that the nutrients and energy from one human organism are transferred to another human organism simply by consumption of bodily matter. The practice of cannibalism is actually more efficient - at least, to the average human - than the natural “circle of life,” since it communicates this energy to another similar organism directly instead of submitting the receptor organism to a long wait as the energy progresses through a slow trek around the circle of energy transformation. Cannibalism is also better for the environment, as a whole, than the traditional funeral because it does not emit any poisonous, unnatural embalming chemicals into the soil or atmosphere. It also does not pollute the Earth’s atmosphere with natural gas emissions from crematoriums. In fact, the only thing left after cannibalism occurs is the inedible organic matter, like bones and cartilage - and these, at least, are still natural and decompose easily in the environment. Also, finite resources like land and wood can be conserved, since cutting out the actual burial part of the funeral erases the need for a grave and casket. By reducing the need for reserved grave plots, the growing rate by which cemeteries are being built can be curtailed and the land originally marked off for them can start to be used for other public spaces.
Traditional funerals are known for being unreasonably expensive. Opting for a cannibalistic approach to a funeral would cut out many of the costs, including the embalming or cremation fee. Whereas with a traditional funeral the overall price could end up costing over ten thousand dollars, a simple dinner made from a loved one’s remains could cost as little as fifty dollars (or however much it costs to rent a party room at Denny’s). Guests are able to pick and choose their favorite cuts of meat from a freshly deceased relative, which is quite an added boost for any party in general. This is normally not a practical option because ordering an entire animal as the dinner for many people is expensive, time-consuming, and hard to organize. Roasting a large pig, for example, can cost upwards of one hundred and fifty dollars, and requires many guests to consume in order to justify the slaying of the pig. Funerals have the added benefit of having a lot of people already there to pay their respects, so garnering enough feasters for a cannibalistic funeral is not going to ever be a problem.
Cannibalism can also provide a soothing touch to the mourners’ hearts. Traditional funerals are often criticized for being emotionless and commercialized, and for not actually providing any mourners with the closure they need to get over a family member’s recent death. With cannibalism, it is possible to, quite literally, eat one’s sorrows. Many people find comfort in eating, and even more people find comfort in being near the ones that they love. Cannibalism combines these two comforts into one hearty meal. Of course, cannibalism can never be expected to surpass the traditional funeral in popularity. There will always be the outspoken opponents who claim that cannibalism should not be practiced because the human body is indigestible to other humans, and that human flesh can cause terrible sicknesses in the consumer. While true, this claim actually supports cannibalism even more. A throbbing stomach ache, a worrisome gastrointestinal infection, or even a deadly brain disease can help keep the memory of the deceased alive in those that attended and shared in the experience of the funeral.
While the traditional funeral has many respectable qualities, cannibalism should always be regarded as the best alternative to it. No other death practice can ever outdo cannibalism in the wonders it does for one’s planet, bank account, and mental health. Cannibalism is much more eco-friendly, is much more cost effective, and does much more to help reduce the emotional toll that a death might inflict upon a surviving friend or family member. Hopefully, sometime in the future, it will become commonplace to express one’s grief by holding light conversations with some fellow mourners, all the while enjoying some delicious ribs painted with the deceased’s favorite barbecue sauce and carved from the deceased’s own chest.
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